


Summer Bummer

by RandomPizzaEater



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But like not clearly said, F/F, Lesbian AU, Quick mention of Courtney Laganja and Raven too, Recreational Drug Use, damn idk what to tag this shit, implied depression, small town AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-03-30 11:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomPizzaEater/pseuds/RandomPizzaEater
Summary: In which Adore lives in a shitty little town, smokes lots of weed and is jealous that Raja might be the only one who has a future.





	1. In which you don't ask an employee to check in the back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was supposed to be a very short work, is it in the end? I don't know.  
> Anyway I know this is a weird pairing, but it's also very special to me ! Thanks you to @BlueSmoke and @TropicalDepressionKatya for being my friends and supporting the hell out of me !

_This will be the best summer of your life_. That’s what everyone told Adore at the end of the school year, with her diploma in hand. She didn’t really believe it, but she choose one last time to try and be optimistic about her future. She even let herself dream a bit, sitting on the floor of her room in her parent’s house, guitar in hand, playing distractedly. She dreamed about becoming a star, playing in front of hundreds of unconditionally loving fans, receiving praise and fame on a platter. Who didn’t after all? But life had been very quick at crushing her dreams.

She quickly realized that there was no formation to become a superstar, and even if there were, you would probably need money for it. So, she looked for a job, and a college who would accept her. She found one out of two.

And now she was there, scanning articles in a 7/11, with no real plans for the future. Her daydreams of success quickly turned into dreams of living an average life, then into dreams of simply finishing her day and go to sleep. Every cent she gained working, she spent in weed to support another day of work.

The sound of steps on the dirty floor of the store made Adore quit the safe but toxic comfort of her mind.

_“Hello how can I help you today?”_

_“Hi Adore.”_

_“Oh, hi Courtney.”_

The blonde girl came to the counter behind which Adore was trapped.

_“Can I get a pack of Lucky Strike please?”_

_“Of course.”_

Adore turned around and gave Courtney the pack of cigarette. She handed her a ten-dollar bill. She would have preferred credit card; the register was broken again and it was a pain in the ass to open.

While she desperately tried to get the machine to cooperate, Adore looked at Courtney. She had those cute blonde curls and those blue eyes. Her cut-off shorts allowed everyone to look at her toned legs, which made Adore feel bad about her thick thighs, maybe she should have tried out for the cheerleading squad with Courtney when she was a freshman in high school.

She suddenly had the unpleasant sensation that Courtney was like a better version of herself, a less lazy one, one who had career plans and was probably in the middle of moving out to college. 

Adore had fumbled with the register long enough for it to be awkward and the very obvious lack of music in the store made the silence even heavier, only disrupted by the sound of the AC.

_“So… How are you?”_

_“Good! Yeah, I’m good! What about you?”_

That was a very shitty attempt at conversation, but Adore saluted Courtney’s attempt.

_“I’m fine! I’m in the middle of moving out actually.”_

Bingo. Finally, something Adore was good at, guessing who managed to escape the hell that was this town.

_“Oh right. Which college are you going to?”_

_“Community College actually… It’s not great but hey…”_

Courtney never finished her sentence, but it was floating in the suffocating air: “ _At least I’m getting out of here_ ”.

The silence came back, even heavier than before. Adore finally managed to open the cash register. She handed her change to Courtney, she couldn’t wait for her to go away and leave her to her dark daydreaming. But instead of just turning away and getting out of the store, Courtney stayed there, fidgeting with her car keys. She was looking down, like she was hesitant to say what made her stay standing there awkwardly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Eventually, she shrugged, more for herself than for her friend.

_“Do you know Raja is in town?”_

She said it in a way that made it sound like it was nothing, even if they both knew it was a huge thing.

Raja, the 6 feet tall beautiful Indonesian girl, now fashion designer and home-town hero, was back in town.

Adore ran a hand in her dry over-dyed hair, trying her best to seem as comfortable with this information as Courtney.

_“Hm, no, actually I did not know that!”_

Adore leaned against the counter, doing her honest best to seem as careless as usual, but still biting her lower lips, damn her and her bad habits.

_“Yeah, she came to visit her mom. She’s here for a few days I believe.”_

_“That’s great!”_

That was not great. It was far from great. It was even everything _but_ great.

_“I just figured out I should tell you… you know… so you won’t be surprised if you see her around…”_

That, Courtney, was a very, very bad excuse. And both her and Adore knew it.

_“Hm… yeah hm… thank you!”_

Courtney smiled one last awkward smile and left the store as quietly as she arrived.

Once she heard the automatic doors close, Adore fell on the counter, head in hands, rubbing her face.

Raja fucking Gemini.

As if she could deal with her right now.

She did not hate her. Not at all. She remembered admiring her from her first day of high school, the way her long black hair floated behind her as she walked the school halls totally hypnotized her, and she kept observing her, eyes full of stars, for at least two months. She was two years older than Adore, and it seemed to her that this age gap made a friendship between them totally inconceivable, so she just kept looking.

She also remembered how ecstatic she felt when she learned that her friend Laganja knew her, she was a good client from her little weed business. The first time they hang out together with some other friends behind the school, smoking joints like the bad kids they pretended to be, Adore was so stressed that even the weed couldn’t get her to relax.

But eventually, she did relax. They kept hanging out behind the school once classes were over. The group became smaller and smaller with time, until it was only them and Laganja. Then Laganja moved away to another city, and it was only Adore and Raja.

They spent hours together every night, talking about every subject their foggy minds could think of.

Then Raja went away to college. She did not say goodbye, but Adore was not angry at her, she understood that she wanted to go, quickly.

And then she became famous.

She was spotted by a famous fashion designer, and together they created a collection, then another, then Raja started designing for herself. And in less than two years, she had more fame and money that Adore would probably have in all her life.

Actually, she did hate her.

She hated that everybody in town knew who she was, hated that the moderately popular high school stoner was now the home-town hero. She was a moderately popular high school stoner too, and where was her praise?

The alarm on her phone went on. Her shift was over. Sammy, the stupid high-schooler supposed to take on the next shift, was not here yet, but it was the last of her problems.

She looked up at the empty store. She had the sudden urge to break something. Maybe she could throw something, push one of the display stands on the floor, shatter the storefront.

But she just took her bag, changed shirt in the storage room and closed the door of the shop behind her.

She got into the dumpster that was her car and put on the ignition. Maybe she could escape right now. She imagined herself driving off into the night, ending up in a city far away, didn’t matter which one.

But she just drove home, parking the old Ford on the lawn.

She vaguely waved toward her family eating dinner in the kitchen and headed straight for her room. She closed her door behind her and threw her bad in a corner of the bedroom. She let herself fall onto her bed, exhausted.

She thought about getting up and taking off her makeup, maybe put on some pajamas, brushing her teeth and hair, but quickly decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

She just took her phone, lighter and cigarettes out of her back pocket and threw them on her nightstand next to the bed.

Her eyes wandered around what she could see of her room, eyes half covered by a pillow. It was a mess to be honest. Empty soda cans were sitting next to dirty clothes on the ground and most of her posters had fallen off the walls. Adore told herself numerous times that she was going to make a big clean before going away.

But now she wasn’t going anywhere, so why bother.

Her tired eyes fell on her guitar, sitting nicely in a corner on its stand. Maybe she could take it, make her bags and go. Explore, live, be young.

But she just slipped under her covers and closed her eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

 

When she woke up the next day, it was already pretty late in the afternoon, but somehow, she was still tired.

She forced herself to throw away the covers and get up. She rubbed her eyes, only to see it left a big black stain on her hand. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her mascara was all over her face, her hair was tangled, and she probably needed a shower. She sat down on the ground and wiped off her leftover makeup as well as she could with the pack of dried-out wipes she found next to an old T-shirt. She brushed her damaged hair slowly, the blue in it was fading and she had very visible black roots, maybe it was time to re-dye it. The shower would wait, she was working in a few hours and she didn’t want to waste a shower in smelling like Cheetos and cigarettes after work.

She quickly changed clothes, switching from one old band T-shirt to another and putting an almost clean pair of shorts and headed downstairs. The house was empty, her parents were working and her sister was probably out with friends.

Adore collapsed on the living room couch. She was working in a few hours and had no strength or motivation to do anything besides turn on the TV and watch cartoons. Soon enough, it was 8PM. She got up and went in the kitchen. She should eat something before going. She grabbed some leftovers in the fridge and ate them sitting on the countertop, not even bothering heating them up.

She left her plate in the sink and went back to her room to get her bag. She opened it to make sure everything was inside. Phone, headphones, lighter, cigarettes, weed, car keys, in other words everything she needed for the night. She grabbed a flannel sitting on the back of a chair and tied it around her waist, summer nights weren’t always that hot.

She drove to the store without even thinking about it, driven by habit. She took time to smoke a cigarette in front of the shop, under the already lit-up neon, before entering.

The first few hours of her shift were boring, but at least they weren’t bad. She only had two clients, who the hell thought opening a 7/11 in such a small town was necessary? She was fidgeting with a pen behind her counter, making it turn between her fingers for more than half an hour now. Hey, she was getting pretty good at this shit. When she heard the door open, she jumped. A woman with short blond hair just entered the store, and Adore vaguely recognized her as being one of the local primary school teachers. She started wandering through the shelves, looking for something.

Adore went back to making her pen turn between her fingers, she really wanted to manage to make it turn twice before the end of her shift. She was almost there…

_“Hm, excuse me?”_

She dropped the pen. Fuck.

She lifted her head up to see that the blonde was indeed talking to her.

_“Yes? How can I help you?”_

_“Where are the onion chips?”_

The woman pointed angrily at an empty display. She seemed utterly upset that her favorite chips were not where they were supposed to be.

_“It appears we are out of stock.”_

The blonde approached the counter.

_“Are you sure?”_

Adore was a little taken aback. Bitch the display was empty what do you needed more?

_“Hm... Yeah… I’m pretty su…”_

_“Would you mind checking in the back?”_

_“I don’t think we…”_

_“Would it kill you to check in the back?”_

How Adore wanted to punch her in the face. Who made a scene at 11PM on a Wednesday night over fucking onion chips? She told herself to calm down, she needed this job, and punching a client, even the worst dickhead in the entire history of dickheads, wasn’t exactly the best way to keep it. She slapped on her fakest smile and sighted.

_“I’m going check the back.”_

She was halfway to the door when she heard the woman mutter something like “youth those days” under her breath. Adore forced herself to take a big inspiration and stepped in the storage room. She observed the exact same ritual as she did every time someone asked her to “check the back”: sitting in a corner checking her texts messages for 4 minutes and 30 seconds before coming out of the room saying she found nothing.

Exactly 4 minutes and 28 seconds later, Adore stepped out of the room with a big smile.

_“I’m sorry it seems like we are completely out!”_

Adore was already awaiting the bitter comments on how lazy and impolite she was for not somehow creating onion chips, but she only received silence. The woman was nowhere to be seen. She left, she just left. Was 4 fucking minutes to long for her to wait?

_“Fucking bitch…”_

_“Well hello to you too.”_

Adore jumped again at the voice. God did the entire world wanted her to have a heart attack today? Recognizing the deep voice took her an instant, and before she could say anything, a slim figure emerged from behind a display.

Of course it was fucking Raja Gemini, how could her day be even worse?

Raja took a few steps in her direction, a grin tugging on her lips. She had the same confident walk that hypnotized Adore from the first day the met. The only thing missing was her long black hair whipping the air around her as it was now neatly up.

As she was observing Raja walking to her, Adore came to realize that she probably still believed that her insult was directed towards her. Maybe she should apologize or something.

_“Sorry for the… the bitch thing… it was not about you…”_

And now she couldn’t find her words? Great.

_“Don’t worry, I saw your client.”_

Now she was at the counter, leaning on it, her elbows resting on the surface and her long fingers interlaced.

_“Looked like a bitch indeed.”_

Raja smiled and for an instant, Adore was hypnotized by the reflection of the neon lighting on the gold earrings dangling from her ears.

The young girl took a lighter off the display standing in a corner of the counter and started playing with it, still smiling but not looking at Adore directly.

_“So… How are you?”_

_“Fine. Yeah, I’m good. And you? What’s up?”_

Once more, Adore shrugged off the question, hoping she wouldn’t ask more. Raja smiled the same way as she did from the start.

_“Come on, I’m sure my mother already told every person in town everything about me.”_

Adore tried to smile too, way less confidently than the girl on the other side of the register.

_“She did tell my mom at church.”_

There was a silence in which they were both staring at each other. It was a bit awkward, but Adore felt like it would be even more embarrassing to try and break it.

She looked at what Raja was wearing. A beautiful black blazer over a silky white top with a neckline deep enough to show the tip of a tattoo between her breasts. She was also wearing some really well tailored pants and gold jewelry. Raja always had been elegant, but she outdone herself this time. And it all looked very expensive.

Adore felt uncomfortable in her old cut-off shorts and ugly work shirt.

_“I like your hair.”_

Adore ran a hand through it in immediate response.

_“Last time I saw you it was…”_

_“…red. Yeah I remember.”_

Adore vaguely gestured to the grey ombre having replaced her natural black hair.

_“Yeah I dyed it a bit too.”_

_“It’s pretty”_

She was pretty. So pretty.

Adore kind of hoped that she would look worse. Exhausted, or at least tired, by the city and her new life, but she didn’t seem like it at all. Fuck.

_“So, why are you here?”_

It came out a little harsher than Adore would have liked to. Raja straightened up a bit.

_“Oh, I just came to see my mother for a few days, you know.”_

_“I meant in the store you dumb bitch.”_

Adore immediately regretted that. It came out of her mouth before she could even think about it. It was the way they used to talk to each other in high-school, but it was two years ago, they were dumb children at the time, they were not anymore. Well, at least Raja was not anymore.

Adore was about to apologize for calling her a bitch twice in less than 10 minutes when Raja smiled, genuinely this time it seemed.

_“Well, it seems like this place is still the only one in town where you can get a pack of cigarettes at 1am.”_

Adore returned the smile a bit awkwardly. She turned around and grabbed a pack of cigarettes she used to smoke, hoping she didn’t change that too. She threw it on the counter.

_“True…”_

Raja held out a ten dollars bill to her and she took it, careful not to brush fingers with her.

_“…nothing changed here.”_

Adore cashed her money while Raja was struggling to find a lighter at the bottom of her handbag. It ended up falling on the ground, scattering its content on the floor.

_“Oh, fuck my hole!”_

The girl on the other side of the counter couldn’t help but smile, at least Raja hadn’t lost her habit of swearing at every minor inconvenience. Adore moved out from behind the counter to come help Raja gathering her items scattered on the ground.

After holding out two tampons, a tube of lipstick and the lost lighter out to her, Adore noticed a small plastic bag that had slipped under a gum display. She picked it up, there was weed inside, a good amount. She held it out to Raja who took it with a smile.

_“Thanks. Some things just don’t change.”_

They stayed sitting on the ground an instant, not talking, eyes fixed on the little plastic bag. Raja sighed slightly.

_“Hey so… When does your shift ends?”_

Adore glanced at the wall clock.

_“In half an hour.”_

For the first time of the evening, Raja looked down.

_“Do you want to go for a smoke afterwards? Like good old times?”_

Adore thought about it for half a second. She was tired, and had planned to go directly back home to go to sleep, but the thought of spending more time with Raja was strangely appealing to her. Did she miss her or something?

_“Yeah, yeah why not.”_

Raja smiled and god that smile was dangerous.

_“Cool! I’ll wait for you outside.”_

When Raja crossed the door, Adore was still sitting on the ground, her mind still blurry from her perfume.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this work !  
> Comments always make my day ! You can also drop by my Tumblr @RandomPizzaEater to leave a message !


	2. In which weed really does turn you into an emotional bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than the previous one, still hope y'all like it !

The half hour had passed. Not a single client had shown up, but Adore still stood behind the counter, fidgeting with her lighter. She watched the clock anxiously, counting minutes, half excited and half afraid.

She went in the small stocking room in the back to change shirt, throwing the one she was wearing at the bottom of her bag to put her old Ramone’s shirt back on. She glanced at herself in the reflection on her phone screen. Her eyes were red and she was not wearing any makeup at all, her hair was a mess as always and she faintly smelled of sweat. Damn she should have had taken this stupid shower.

She gathered her things and threw her bag on her shoulders. She made sure everything was in order in the shop, twice. She closed the store and locked the door with shaky hands. Why were her hands shaky?

Adore put the keys back into the pocket of her jean jacket and started walking toward the parking behind the building where she knew Raja would be waiting, fresh summer night’s air grazing her bare legs.

When she turned at the corner, she saw Raja waiting where she said she would, smoking a cigarette leaned against the wall. The faint light of a distant lamppost reflecting into the smoke.

Adore approached slowly, one hand firmly gripped around the strap of her bag, the other around her lighter in her pocket. Raja smiled to her and distanced herself from the wall.

_“Are we taking your car?”_

Adore was not very excited about that. She still had the same car since high school, and it was not getting any younger.

_“Yeah sure.”_

Raja smiled again and threw her cigarette end on the ground before crushing it with her high heel.

_“What are we waiting for then?”_

She started walking toward the center of the parking lot, throwing a look behind her shoulder to make sure Adore followed her lead. They walked through the painfully empty space separating them from the old Ford. Adore opened the door and threw herself in the driver’s seat.

She was about to explain to Raja how to open the half-broken passenger door, but before she could open her mouth, she was already sitting in her seat and closing it carefully. Of course she knew the trick to open the car door, she already did it so many times by the past. Adore tended to forget she wasn’t a stranger.

Adore did her best to push around old fast-food wrappers and empty soda bottles of the dashboard to make the car look somewhat decent, even if she knew it was pretty useless. She turned to Raja with an apologetic smile while struggling to put the key in the ignition.

_“Sorry my car is still a dumpster…”_

_“It’s okay… I missed your dumpster.”_

Adore rolled her eyes with a slight smile, finally managing to start the engine. She started driving, keeping an eye on Raja. She was watching the town scroll by the open window, an arm dangling out of it. Adore wandered what she was thinking about.

Was she already bored of the city? Was she already craving to go back to Los Angeles? She could understand that. But maybe she was not bored, maybe she was nostalgic? Maybe she missed the city? Maybe she missed her?

Adore missed Raja. She missed the warmth she exuded, she missed her shine. She missed the Raja she joined every night behind the school. She wasn’t sure if it was the same Raja sitting next to her. She was still shining, but it was a colder shine.

_“So, where are we going?”_

Raja turned her head from the window to answer.

_“I assumed we were going back to the school, but if you don’t want to that’s okay.”_

_“No. It’s fine. The school is good.”_

They spent the rest of the short drive in silence.

Once in front of the depressing block of cement that was the town high school, Adore parked her car on the spot she used to take every morning out of habit.

She quickly got out of the vehicle and waited for Raja to do the same before starting to walk together towards the back of the ugly building. They kept walking until they arrived to their old smoking spot.

It was an old water-evacuation tunnel, just big enough for someone to stand in it. It was barely buried and was pretty useless given that water never reached more than ankle-level in it, but it was there, and a very good hiding spot.

Adore doubted anyone used it anymore. She wished nobody did. It was their smoking spot, and for some reason she felt very protective of it. And yet she felt like knowing all happiness she once lived there disappeared with Raja leaving would make her even sadder.

She jumped in the ditch and was ready to engage in the tunnel when she stopped and turned around. She looked at Raja’s heels, not the most appropriated shoes to jump in a 4 feet deep hole.

She offered her hand to her, which she took. Adore extended her other arm and nodded slightly in her direction, making her understand she was ready to catch her if she fell. Raja smiled and jumped with more confidence in her eyes than Adore would have thought. She still felt her thin fingers tighten around hers when she slid a hand around her waist to make sure she would make it safely to the ground. She quickly withdrawn it once she felt she was steady on her feet.

They engaged together in the tunnel and sat on the dry and dusty ground facing each other. Raja took the weed out of her bag along with some rolling paper. Adore watched her roll expertly, and something told her she never really stopped to smoke.

Once finished, Raja threw Adore the small plastic bag and the paper. She started making her own joint while Raja lit hers. The flame of the lighter briefly enlightened the dark tunnel, reflecting in Raja’s dark eyes.

Adore watched her take a long drag out of her joint while lighting her own. Raja closed her eyes, letting her head fall back against the tunnel wall while exhaling. She looked like she just entered her own world, and Adore felt bad for looking at her like this, like she was invading her space or something. So, she just looked at her dirty Dr. Martens and her chipped black nail polish.

_“How’s everyone?”_

The deep voice of Raja reverberating against the walls of the tunnel surprised Adore enough that she needed a moment to process the question.

_“I mean… I don’t want to seem like a stalker or anything… It’s just that I didn’t have that much news since I went away.”_

Adore shook her head.

_“No, it’s okay don’t worry.”_

She took an instant to ash her joint and try to find a way not to make everyone’s life seem pathetic next to Raja’s.

_“Well, Courtney and Alaska are going to community college, Ivy started working with her mom at the shop, and Jinkx went away last year in that drama school in Seattle she always wanted to go…”_

_“Yeah I knew that. I’m happy for her, she always talked about it. I’m also happy about her and her girlfriend, Dela isn’t it? I heard they got engaged recently.”_

_“Yeah… I heard that…”_

Adore fixed the ground. Jinkx had texted her about it, sending her a picture of her hand holding Dela’s, shiny engagement rings around their fingers. She had looked at the picture for a good minute, and she had thrown her phone against the wall, watching it fall weakly on the bed afterwards.

She loved Jinkx, she really did, and she wanted to be happy for her so badly, but she couldn’t help it, happiness repulsed her.

_“What about you?”_

And now was the hardest part, finding a way to make her own life sound less pathetic than it was, a way not to say “oh yeah I work at the 7/11 and cry a lot at night”. She shrugged, hoping that it would make it seem like her life wasn’t such a big of a deal.

_“You know, I’m just saving a bit, taking a bit of time to figure it all out. What about you?”_

It was Raja’s turn to shrug, forcing a tight smile on her lips.

_“I’m sure my mom already told the entire town about it.”_

_“Not really actually, just how amazing her daughter was, and how she was a big designer in the big city.”_

Raja looked down and scoffed.

_“Well, if drawing and sewing all night to get half your ideas stolen by the guy who pays you next to nothing is being a designer then… Yeah… I guess I am.”_

Adore was genuinely surprised by Raja’s confession.

_“But… I thought you were going to have your own collection soon… That you were working for yourself now…”_

_“Well, that’s what I told my mom. I did quit my job. But I honestly don’t know how I’m going to pay for this supposed collection. Or my rent next month.”_

Raja’s eyes caught Adore and she laughed. She ran a hand over her pulled back hair, showing what was left of her joint.

_“Sorry… It’s the weed… Turns me into an emotional bitch…”_

_“I don’t mind…”_

Adore didn’t mind at all. She wanted Raja to tell her everything. How bad she felt, how shitty her life was. She wanted her old friend back, she wanted to be the two teenage runaways they were, she wanted to be the two losers smoking weed behind the school again.

_“Please Adore, don’t tell anyone about all this… I know I talk too much when I’m high but, I really don’t want my mom to know any of that, I don’t want her to worry.”_

_“I won’t tell anyone.”_

She wouldn’t. That was hers. This conversation was hers.

Raja nodded, took one last drag out of her joint and put it out before throwing it away. She blew the smoke into the air, her eyes wandering over to the school building. She smiled.

_“Remember when we used to skip class to come here? I was skipping biology and you were skipping sports and we…”_

_“…escaped through the first-floor toilet’s window. Yeah I remember…”_

Raja smiled, and Adore felt confident enough to keep going.

_“I miss that sometimes.”_

_“Me too.”_

Adore looked down, playing with the lace of her shoe, her heart suddenly tightening as words escaped her mouth.

_“I miss that we didn’t care about anything. We had nothing to care or worry about really. Decisions were made for us, we were not afraid of how small or big the world was. I liked being a child you know. I’m still a child if I’m honest. I want to be a child. Why won’t people let me be a child for a bit longer?”_

Adore looked up at Raja. She had slightly furrowed eyebrows and seemed like she was sad, in a way. She felt the sudden urge to apologize.

_“I’m sorry… Seems like weed makes me into a mess too…”_

_“It’s okay it’s just that… I missed you.”_

They looked at each other for an instant, and Adore took a deep and slightly shaky inhalation.

_“I missed you so much Raja.”_

 

* * *

 

 

Adore wiped the mist on the mirror and looked at herself. Crazy how something as simple as taking a shower could make you go from looking like garbage to an almost decent human person.

She gathered her wet hair into a bun before glancing at the hour on her phone. It was not even 11am and she was already awake and showered, which didn’t happen since high school. She had forgotten how good it felt to actually do things in the morning, and not only wake up to a sun already high in the sky and a dizzy head from sleeping too much.

She thought about what she should do next. It was still early and she was only supposed to meet Raja at 2pm.

Her mind drifted off to her past evening. Raja and her had stayed a very long time sitting in the dust of the tunnel. Cigarettes after joints, joints after cigarettes, they talked just like before, about their lives, the world, what was wrong with it and how they would change it.

They knew they couldn’t change the world, or anything really, but it was good to know that you’re not alone to think it’s fucked up.

They waited until they were not as high anymore before Adore drove Raja home. She dropped her off and they hugged on the front porch. It was a quick hug, but Adore still felt Raja’s long arms around her shoulders and her perfume surrounding her.

Then, she proposed they did that again, and Adore accepted.

_“Tomorrow?”_

Adore had nodded.

_“2pm behind the school?”_

Adore had nodded again.

Then she drove home. When she entered the house, she saw on the kitchen’s wall-clock that it was already almost 4am. She suddenly felt extremely tired.

Maybe it was the weed, maybe it was work, maybe it was Raja, who the fuck knew? She just wanted to go to sleep anyway. She collapsed on her bed, and just before drifting off to sleep, promised herself not to miss her meeting with Raja.

And here she was.

She put on some clean clothes and got out of the bathroom.

She opened the door to her room and was welcomed by the usual mess ruling over it since the end of the school year. God she really needed to clean that up later.

But why later? She had time, nobody was home, and she was tired of living in a fucking dumpster. If she cleaned it, maybe she would feel less like trash.

She tied a bandana around her head to keep her hair from her face and put on some Nirvana album. She looked at her room, hand on her hips.

_“Here we go I guess.”_

She spent two hours cleaning, throwing away old soda bottles and food wrappings, hanging the fallen posters back on the wall, putting her dirty clothes in the washing machine, changing the sheets of her bed, damn, she even dusted all of her shelves.

She sat on her bed and looked around her. She was pretty proud of herself. Everything looked clean, including herself.

For the first time in months, she felt like she could finally really breathe in the room.

Damn, Raja did her good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual any comment will make my day ! Please do leave some !  
> Also my Tumblr is still @RandomPizzaEater in case you want to drop by to say hello !


	3. In which Raja brings the good-days sketchbook

At 1:59pm, Adore was sitting on the dusty ground of the water-evacuation tunnel behind the town high school, just as Raja and her agreed. She even had time to makeup and to eat something before coming. She felt energized and excited, kind of jumpy. Maybe she was still pumped from cleaning her room earlier?

Suddenly, she was pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of footsteps on the dry ground, followed by the distinctive noise of someone jumping in the ditch.

Adore turned her head to see Raja bending over to enter the tunnel without hurting her head on the concrete.

_“Hey”_

She was smiling when she sat facing Adore.

_“Hey…”_

Adore detailed her. Her new grey hair was loose, only the front part pulled back in a small bun at the back of her head, and Adore was happy to see she hadn’t cut it, it was still so long it brushed her thighs when she was sitting. She was dressed way more casually than the day before, black skinny jeans, vans and a leather jacket. It almost felt like high school Raja.

Adore started searching for her weed and rolling paper in her pocket when Raja threw her a pre-rolled joint in the face that she barely caught. Maybe skipping PE during all high-school wasn’t a great idea.

_“You sure?”_

Adore felt bad about taking Raja’s weed two days in a row, she had her own. She pushed away the question with a gesture of the hand while lighting her own joint.

_“Yeah don’t worry, I rolled them yesterday, I couldn’t sleep.”_

Adore lit her joint and took a long drag out of it, letting the smoke invade her lungs and fog her mind slowly.

_“Why?”_

_“I don’t know it’s just… weird to be back in town. Everything feels so familiar and… Old?”_

Adore nodded. She perfectly understood that, it used to keep her awake at night too. But now not much could keep her from the cold embrace of sleep.

She felt her mind slip back towards what is was until the day before, and decided to change the subject.

_“So, how’s your mom?”_

Adore always liked Raja’s mom. A little Asian lady who didn’t talk much, smiled a lot, and took good care of her only child she raised alone. She also made very good cakes, which was always a cool thing.  

_“She’s good! Proud of me I think. I feel bad for lying to her.”_

Raja stared at the ground next to her, and Adore felt like she should say something.  

_“Hey, you’re not lying. You’re designing for yourself now. And I know that collection is happening.”_

Adore was surprised with the enthusiasm she found in her own voice. Had she been too cheesy? Raja smiled, and Adore felt happier. She made Raja smile. She wanted to smile too now.

They kept smoking in silence, listening to the distant car noises and people talking far away. Once she finished her joint, Raja reached for her bag. She pulled a pencil case and an old sketchbook out of it. Adore immediately recognized it, it was the same she had in high school. It even still had the little smiley face sticker Adore had once stuck in the top right corner of the cover, which gave it the name of “good-days sketchbook”. It was reserved to very special days, when Raja felt she would do big things.

_“To what do we owe the honor of the good sketchbook?”_

Raja shrugged, still smiling, while pulling a pencil and an eraser from her pencil case.

_“Nothing, I just feel like it. Now please stop moving.”_

Adore laughed, letting her head fall back.

_“Oh my god please no! Not again!”_

_“Come on I know you love it. Now shut up!”_

Adore couldn’t help but smile. She did love when Raja used to draw her. It made her feel special.

She liked having an excuse to watch her too. She loved the way her fingers curled around the side of the sketchbook, how she let her pencil run on the paper in abstract forms that would make sense later, how she bit her lip-balm coated lips, furrowed her brows, glanced at her from time to time. She loved the way she looked when she was doing something she was passionate about. She hoped she looked like this when she designed.

The heat in the tunnel was suffocating. Adore could feel the drops of sweat rolling down her skin and pieces of hair escaped from her loose bun sticking to her forehead. Who knew summers in Oregon could be this hot? Adore wondered how Raja was not passing out in her leather jacket and jeans when herself started to feel dizzy in shorts and tank top.

Adore was also starting to get bored. She grabbed a piece of loose hair resting on her shoulder and started to braid it. She quickly got irritated at the dryness under her fingers and the faded blue color which annoyingly reminded her of the mint color or the ice-cream display at her job.

_“Hey.”_

_“I said don’t move.”_

_“Hey.”_

Raja put down her sketchbook and pencil.

_“Okay, what?”_

_“Do you think I should re-dye my hair?”_

Raja seemed to hesitate a bit.

_“I mean… It’s clearly not that fresh…”_

_“Yeah I know… I’ve been thinking about it for a few days…”_

_“What color are you going to dye it?”_

_“I don’t know yet… Got any suggestions?”_

Raja shrugged.

_“Black would look nice on you.”_

Adore twirled a piece of her faded blue hair between her fingers, trying to picture herself in black hair.

_“Black it is then. Would you help me tomorrow?”_

Raja picked her sketchbook and pencil again.

_“Okay I will, but please for the love of god stop moving.”_

It had already been few hours since Raja started drawing when Adore really started getting impatient.

_“Can I at least smoke a cigarette or are you going to kill me if I move?”_

Raja nodded without even looking up from her sketch. Adore scoffed and reached for her cigarette pack and lighter in her backpack. Protecting the flame from the non-existent wind with one hand, she tried lighting her smoke. Once, then twice, and a third time. The lighter was obviously out of gas.

_“Shit.”_

Adore started looking for her emergency lighter in her bag when Raja crawled to her after carefully putting down her sketch. She sat right next to her and got her own lighter out of her bra.

Adore put the cigarette between her lips and let Raja lit it for her. When she lifted her eyes, they met Raja’s brown ones.

They were close, oh my god so close. And it was so warm, too warm. And she smelled so good, why did she smell so good. So warm. The sun was shining so bright. That tunnel was so small, had it always been? And they were so close, and she smelled so good, and it was so hot and everything made her head turn in a nice way.

Adore shakily exhaled, eyes still locked with Raja’s through the smoke.

_“We should go…”_

Raja was whispering, her hot breath so close that Adore felt it on her already burning skin.

And she pulled away.

Adore shook her head while she got back on her feet. What was she thinking would happen?

Raja silently gathered her things and Adore threw her bag on her shoulders before they both headed out the tunnel. They climbed back into the real world and into the empty parking lot.

Adore couldn’t get her eyes off Raja, bathing in the orange glow of the setting summer sun.

She took her jacket off. It had a big rose embroidered in the back, Adore wondered if she did it herself. Raja’s tattoos swirling on her tan skin and her numerous bracelets glistening in the last sunrays made her feel like she was in another world she couldn’t escape, didn’t wanted to anyway.

They had walked way passed Adore’s car and any other in the parking lot now, wandering in the town. They spotted an open convenience store. Raja turned around.

_“Should we get ice cream? It’s so fucking warm.”_

Adore nodded. Why not after all. It wasn’t very late, and it wasn’t like anybody would wait for her at home for dinner or something. Plus, Raja was right, it was warm as fuck outside.

They got in the store and came out a few minutes later, ice cream in their hand Raja had insisted to pay for, and they walked back towards the parking lot in complete silence, Adore watching their shadows on the sidewalk more than where she was going.

They sat in the car and Adore turned the AC on to fight the warmth in the vehicle. They looked at the sun setting over the school building.

_“I hate this town.”_

Adore didn’t even looked at Raja and kept on licking her ice cream.

_“Why did you come back then.”_

It was a statement more than a question. Adore noticed a hint of anger in her voice. She had no idea why or where it came from, but it was there.

_“Because I hate Los Angeles.”_

_“Why did you leave then.”_

Now Adore’s voice was fully angry. Raja remained silent. Adore turned around to face her, but she refused to, stubbornly staring at the windshield, licking what was left of her ice cream off her fingers.

_“Why did you leave me?”_

Adore had shifted from anger to sadness very quickly. Finally, Raja decided to turn around to face her.

_“You know I didn’t want to leave you.”_

Adore felt tears gather behind her lids.

_“Why did you then?”_

_“Adore you know why.”_

She knew.

She left because she didn’t want to be a sad stoner anymore. She left because she was tired of suffocating in that fucking tunnel behind the school. She left because she thought she could be happier, do better elsewhere, be her better self if that even made any sense. She left because she didn’t know it would turn out that she would just be a sad stoner suffocating in a bigger city.

Adore’s lip quivered.

_“Adore please don’t cry…”_

She didn’t want to. She was not the type of girl crying in an empty parking lot at night. She lowered her head, looking down to try and hold back the tears.

She felt Raja’s hand grazing her face, making her look up.

Their eyes met, and Adore forgot her tears, replaced by the same weird sensation she felt in the tunnel earlier.

It was like her body was vibrating, waiting eagerly for any movement, any signs of Raja, while simultaneously forgetting the rest of the world.

She shivered when Raja’s hand left her cheek to curl around the back of her neck, she shivered when she approached, and she shivered again when their lips met.

It wasn’t very long. 3 seconds or so. But it felt good. And when they pulled apart, Adore craved it.

They looked at each other again, and Adore craved Raja’s lips back on hers. She was overwhelmed by the heat inside the car despite the loud AC. Has it always been this loud or was something more broken in this fucking car? Adore was starting thinking again. Maybe she should stop.

Thinking never led her anywhere anyway.

She climbed on top of Raja, straddling her lap, hands joined behind her neck, and kissed her again.

Their first kiss felt nice, this one felt amazing.

Raja’s hands burned her skin where they were grabbing her waist under her shirt. Adore could feel her dark lipstick and her lip-gloss smearing in their kiss. Raja tasted like heat.

Hands roaming over each other’s body, tongues and lips swirling together in the most satisfying way, they felt like they were on fire.

And Adore’s head was spinning in the best way.

And it immediately stopped when Raja pushed her away.

She shook her head.

_“I… I’m sorry I have to go.”_

She gently pushed Adore back on her seat. She got out of the car and slammed the door behind her, making the entire vehicle shake.

Adore stayed sitting there, watching Raja rushing through the parking lot and disappear. She could go after her, of course, but she didn’t.

She stayed much longer, then drove back home. She parked the car on the lawn, she ignored her family eating dinner in the living room and headed straight for her room. When she closed the door behind her, she let out a breath.

She sat on the middle of her bed, eyes wandering on her newly organized bedroom.

Her mind quickly followed her eyes in the wandering, and she found herself thinking about the kiss.

It wasn’t her first kiss. Her first kiss was in 6th grade, with a boy named Bobby. He was stupid and didn’t ask permission, so she had proceeded to kick him in the balls afterwards. Her first really significant kiss was in 9th grade, with her boyfriend at the time. He was named Dan, he was two years older, and he was one of the cool kids. They stayed together for almost two years. He was her first time. And the only thing she regretted when he left was his motorcycle.

It wasn’t her first kiss, but it was the first time she kissed a girl. Adore had never done it before, and her principal source of information on what it felt like was until today the song “I kissed a girl” by Katy Perry. She had to say, she wasn’t totally wrong, Raja was indeed very kissable.

She didn’t know why her mind made a big deal out of it. Most, if not all, young girls did it at least once, everybody knew it, but very few admitted.

Adore thought about the time Alaska and Sharon had been caught kissing in the locker room at lunch time back in high school. By the end of the day, all the school knew it, and the day after, it was all town.

Sharon had to move away, and Alaska spent almost two weeks out of school, too afraid to go out of her house. When she came back, she looked sad. So sad.

Maybe Adore should feel sad. But she didn’t feel sad. She felt empty. But not in a bad way, more like if a weight had been lifted of her chest. Like if something just had been shattered for her to rebuilt, and rebuilt better.

Adore got up and headed for her guitar for the first time in month.

She sat back onto her bed, dusting lightly the instrument. She started playing away, coming up slowly with some kind of a melody. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it sounded pretty good to her. She grabbed a notebook and started writing what was going on inside her head, making her best to make it all rhymes. It had been so long since she hadn’t written anything.

She kept going for several hours, until she was disturbed by the vibration of her phone next to her on the mattress. It was a text message.

**_Raja, 23:46_ **

**Hey, do you still want me to help with your hair tomorrow?**

Adore waited several minutes before answering, her eyes staring at the screen, fingers hoovering over the keyboard. She glanced at the messy notes on her notebook and started typing. She hit send without letting herself time to second-guess the thing.

**_Adore, 23:50_ **

**Yeah**

Adore laid back on her bed, looking at her ceiling. And she decided that Raja and her wouldn’t be Alaska and Sharon.

Raja hadn’t left town yet. She still had time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always loved !   
> Thanks for taking the time to read !


	4. In which Raja was right and Adore looks very pretty

Raja was never one to be late, so Adore made sure she wasn’t either. She had spent all morning cleaning the already perfectly organized room and bought black hair dye at the supermarket. Everything they needed to dye her hair was nicely set up in the small bathroom facing her room, and by 4pm, Adore was ready.

When she heard the doorbell, she was laying on the floor of her room, too afraid of messing up the bed she just made to sit on it, going over the lyrics she wrote the day before. She quickly got up and threw the notebook on her nightstand.

She ran down the stairs as quickly as she could, but her mom was still first to answer the door. Fuck.

She didn’t know why she wanted to be there first. It wasn’t like Raja didn’t know she was still living at her parent’s house, as awkward as it was. It wasn’t like she never met them before either, she used to come all the time.

From where she was standing behind her mom, Adore could see Raja holding her hand out for her to shake with a smile.

_“Hello Mrs. Delano, I’m Raja I don’t know if you remember me?”_

_“Of course I remember you sweetheart come here!”_

Adore saw her mom pull Raja in a tight hug. She always loved her. During all of her high school years she never stopped telling Adore how pretty and hardworking her friend was and how good she smelled. Maybe she hoped Raja would have a good influence on her daughter?

Raja entered the house and shook hands with her father before waving towards her sister sprawled in the couch, absorbed by her phone.

Then, she walked to Adore. Her breath quickened. What was she supposed to do? Shake hands? Kiss? Stand there for two hours before collapsing and dying? But Raja went for a hug, wrapping her long arms around her shoulders.

Adore was much smaller than her, and she could freely smell her perfume from where her face was touching the skin of her shoulder. Her mom was right, she did smell good.

Eventually, they had to pull apart. Adore felt a sharp pain in her chest. That was a friendly hug, and nothing more. Apparently, Raja had decided that pretending nothing happened was the best solution. Maybe it was. At least she was still talking to her, at least she didn’t leave without saying goodbye again.

Adore turned to her mom, barely realizing that she was talking to her, making sure she let enough space between her and Raja so it wouldn’t look like she wanted to fuck her on the spot, but also not enough for it to look like she was avoiding her.

_“Well girls, we’re leaving the house to you tonight, the movie is pretty long so we should come back late. Your sister is sleeping at her friend’s house, could you pick her up in the morning?”_

_“Yeah, yeah of course I will.”_

Her mom kept going on how they would go in twenty minutes and how there was some pizza left in the fridge if they were hungry but Adore wasn’t really listening anymore. She was looking at Raja, standing and smiling here like nothing happened.

Could they really pretend nothing happened? Was that a possibility? Could they go back to the stupid high-school friendship? Adore had thought about it all night, and still had no answers.

When she came back from her little spacing out, her mom had disappeared, and Raja was looking at her with a playful grin on her face, she tilted her head towards the stairs.

_“Should we go?”_

Adore nodded and they went upstairs, Raja politely following her. When she pushed the door to her room, she felt happy she cleaned her room multiple times those last few days. She plopped down on her bed while Raja looked around the bedroom, letting her long fingers run along the shelves and the CD cases on it. She took one and smiled. It was Fleetwood Mac.

_“Remember when I bought this one for you? I had to go all the way to the city in bus for your birthday.”_

Adore chuckled.

_“Yeah I remember. I listened to it on repeat for like 3 months, my mom almost threw it out the window.”_

_“Should we listen to it?”_

_“Yeah! Yeah totally!”_

Adore got up and took the CD from Raja’s hand. She put it in and old stereo that was once her dad’s. When she heard the familiar first keys, she relaxed a bit. Raja clapped.

_“Okay, let’s dye your hair.”_

Adore nodded. They prepared the dye together while humming to the songs and Adore sat on her desk chair, an old towel around her shoulders. Raja put on gloves and got to work. At this point, they were fully singing, almost sure the house was empty.

 Adore loved to sing, and she loved to hear Raja sing. Her voice was deep and calming, even if she missed some keys, she didn’t care, she liked watching her dance around, a smile on her lips while she applied dye to her roots.

Just after she finished applying the black dye all over her hair and wrapped her head in the towel, ‘The Chain” came on. Raja and Adore looked at each other. It was their song, their moment. In less than a second, what was just two friends humming their favorite songs transformed into a well-rounded duet performing a song they knew by heart by singing it so many times behind the school while completely high on weed and heat.

They yelled the lyrics more than they sang it, starring in each other’s eyes. The music was fading, replaced by their voices.  

At the end of the song, they both fell onto the bed, laughing and out of breath. Adore rolled onto her stomach and looked at Raja, herself starring at the ceiling. How could someone have such a beautiful face? Without really thinking about it, she extended her hand and brushed her jaw with her fingers. Unlike what she thought would happen, Raja didn’t avoid her touch, instead, she closed her eyes and leaned into it.

When she reopened her eyes, they caught Adore’s. They stayed like this for a few moments before Raja spoke softly.

_“I think it’s time to rinse your hair…”_

_“Hm, yeah, you’re probably right.”_

Adore awkwardly got up and walked to the bathroom facing her room without looking back, still dizzy from how quick the mood had changed. She closed the door behind her and quickly removed her clothes. She entered the shower and let the icy cold water run on her suddenly burning skin. She spent maybe an hour or more under the shower, watching the black tainted water flow down the drain. 

When she got up, she was happy to put on some light pajamas and not having to put her jeans back on. She quickly patted her hair with a towel before looking at herself in the mirror. Her new black hair made her eyes shine brighter, it was really pretty, Raja was right. She really had an eye for those things.

She opened the door and she closed her eyes to enjoy the light breeze brushing her legs and cool off what was left of the burning sensation.

When she reopened them, something had shifted. She couldn’t say what, but she could tell something had. She felt lighter.

She walked to her room. Raja was still lying on her bed, playing with a strand of loose hair escaped from her intricate braid. The window was wide open, and the light night air was cooling off the room while making the curtains swing in a peaceful way. The atmosphere in the room was surreal.

Adore took a few more steps, waiting for Raja to notice her. She didn’t want to speak first, she was afraid her voice might shake.

But she didn’t say anything, she just watched her step in the room and stop when her knees hit the frame of the bed. Without moving from where she was, she smiled.

_“I was right. You look very pretty Adore.”_

Raja sat up, not letting go of Adore’s eyes. She slowly ran a hand along her thigh and Adore had to get a knee on the bed for support. Her hand curled behind Raja’s neck.

She barely felt her wet hair drip all over her back, overwhelmed by the heat in Raja’s eyes and the sound of her breathing.

When their lips met, it felt natural. Like this was the only thing that could happen anyway.

They fell back onto the bed, kissing like there was no tomorrow, and maybe there wasn’t after all.

 

* * *

 

  

When Adore woke up, it was just past dawn, and the first sun rays filtered by the open window, illuminating Raja’s naked skin.

Her breathing was slow and steady, indicating she was still asleep. The room was fresh from the window staying open all night, but Raja’s skin against Adore’s naked body was enough to keep her warm.

Adore moved a bit out of her embrace to look at her. She looked warm and powerful, like a sun goddess laying in her bed. Suddenly it seemed like the sun emanated from her.

She let her fingers run along the lines of her tattoos. She always admired the fine designs. She looked at Raja’s dark lipstick stains on her own skin and saw them as her own tattoos reminding her of what had happened the night before.

It was most definitely not Adore’s first time having sex, but it felt like it.

Adore’s first time was with her first real boyfriend. She was 15, it was summer, and they were at one of his friend’s house for a party. They had sex in the backyard on a blanket. It was quick, unplanned and they were drunk. It wasn’t really good, but it wasn’t bad either.

Every time she had sex after that, it was the same thing. She was convinced she wanted it, convinced it would be good and would make her happier. Then once she was at it, she found herself being bored and wishing things would end as fast as possible. She wasn’t really disappointed, she kind of accepted it. She never thought anything was wrong with her either, she just assumed that was how things were. Sex was boring, and Hollywood was lying to them once more.

But now she knew. Sex didn’t have to be like that. Sex could actually bring what being horny made her want. 

Adore curled up closer to Raja, resting her cheek on her shoulder. She brushed her jaw with her fingers, still pensive.

She couldn’t figure out if the house was so silent because everybody was still sleeping or if she was so deep into the world she created in her room with Raja that she couldn’t hear the real one.

Raja’s eyelids fluttered, and she slowly opened her eyes.

_“What time is it?”_

Her voice was still sleepy and a little bit raspy. Adore smiled.

_“Early. We should go back to sleep.”_

Eyes already closing, Raja nodded. She turned around and closed her arms around Adore, trapping her in a tight embrace. She kissed her forehead and drifted back to sleep almost immediately.

Surrounded by her scent and her warmth, Adore felt like she was where she was supposed to be. The sensation of hugging Raja was so familiar and she missed it so much, and she knew she would miss it again soon.  For some reason, it made her sad enough for her to shed a single tear, rolling down her cheek to crash onto the mattress.

They were just kids who had grown up too fast and in the wrong way. And this moment was just a glimpse of what could have been, and what would never be.

As sad as she was, Adore was also very tired. They had only slept a couple hours, and she wouldn’t refuse a little bit more sleep. She slowly drifted off to sleep, relaxed by Raja’s chest rising and falling at a steady rhythm against her cheek. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we're already almost finished !   
> You hope you still like this story has much as I do ! 
> 
> Comments and messages always make a bitch smile !


	5. In which nothing is going to be easy

When she woke up again, Adore felt a little bit more rested. She opened her eyes slowly, blinded by the bright light in the room. She stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, too afraid to look at Raja next to her, probably still asleep. What time was it?

She ended up getting up carefully, trying not to wake up Raja. She started searching for her phone amongst the clothes scattered around the room. She ended up finding it in the pocket of her shorts on the floor next to the door. She vaguely remembered throwing them across the room while Raja’s lips were on her neck but preferred shaking the memory away.

She was relieved when she saw her phone indicating it was not even 10 am yet. She heard her stomach growl. She was hungry, and it was time for breakfast. She was about to get downstairs when she told herself putting some clothes on first would maybe be a good idea.

She was halfway through putting on her shirt when she heard Raja’s sleepy voice behind her.

_“Hey where are you going?”_

She turned around to see her friend looking at her from under the covers, her face half hidden by her messy hair.

_“I’m gonna get something to eat I’m hungry. Want something?”_

_“Do you still have Lucky Charms?”_

Adore scoffed.

_“Of course I still have Lucky Charms who do you think I am?”_

Adore finished dressing up and turned to Raja again.

_“I’m gonna prepare that, meet me downstairs?”_

Raja nodded and Adore smiled. She took her phone and went downstairs, running a hand in her newly dyed hair to try and make it look somewhat decent.

While she was pouring milk into two bowls full of cereals, she looked at the notification on her phone. One of them was a message from her mom saying that her and her dad were staying at her aunt house for the night because they drank a bit at the restaurant and didn’t want to drive. So the house was empty indeed.

She sat on the countertop, her bowl on her knees, feet dangling above the ground, and started scrolling through her Instagram while eating her breakfast.

She jumped a bit when she heard Raja’s voice again, realizing she had indeed heard her steps a moment before when she walked down the stairs.

_“Hey…”_

Adore looked up at Raja, leaning in the doorframe in her black underwear, her hair gathered up in a messy bun. She looked beautiful.

_“Hey. I made you cereals.”_

_“What a housewife.”_

Adore scoffed, Raja smiled, things were good, and not as awkward as Adore was afraid they would be. Raja sat down on one of the kitchen’s chair after grabbing her bowl, resting her feet on her countertop next to Adore’s thighs.

They ate in silence. Looking at each other and smiling from time to time. Everything was warm around Adore, even the icy cold countertop under her. Raja made a small noise before swallowing her mouthful of cereals and pointing towards Adore with her spoon, indicating she was about to talk.

_“I ran through your notebook earlier…”_

She stopped there, her spoon dripping tiny drops of milk on the old linoleum floor. It took Adore a moment to realize she waited for a reaction from her, maybe see if she was angry about it? Was she? In a normal day, she would probably have been, but today was everything but a normal day. She nodded, hoping it would be enough for Raja to understand she wasn’t mad at her.

_“… I really like the last thing you wrote.”_

Adore mentally figured the song she worked on the day before, her messy writing full of annotations and scribbles, and wondered how she managed to decrypt it.

_“Do you really?”_

_“Yeah! It’s really passionate, very you. How are you going to call it?”_

Adore shrugged.

_“I don’t know yet, it’s not entirely finished.”_

_“What about Whole 9 Yard? It came back a lot.”_

_“Maybe! I like it.”_

They went back to eating silently, and Adore’s mind wandered towards her song. She studied the lyrics in her head. She never thought when she was writing, did never seek to make sense of the words flowing out of her brain, but now that she did, it made sense, a lot. She was pulled out of her thoughts by the light of a twitter notification on her phone.

She glanced at it, discovering it was already almost 11 am.

_“Fuck I need to go get my sister.”_

She jumped off the countertop, already looking around for her car keys, when Raja stopped her.

_“Don’t you think you should start by putting on pants?”_

Adore looked down at her bare legs and laughed.

_“Yeah sorry I’m a mess already.”_

_“A very cute one.”_

Adore felt herself blush a bit. Raja had her usual grin on her face. She put down her cereal bowl in the sink and got up.

_“Could I take a shower while you do that? I feel sweaty.”_

Adore nodded vigorously. She was afraid Raja was going to go too fast again.

_“Yeah of course! I’m gonna show you where the towels are.”_

Raja nodded in return and they started walking toward Adore’s room. Somewhere when they were walking up the stairs, they started holding hands. There was no reason to it, but it felt nice, Adore thought.

Adore showed Raja where were the towels and let her in the bathroom. She went to the bedroom and started looking for something quick to put on to go get her sister. She had just settled on some comfortable leggings when she was surprised by Raja’s phone vibrating on the nightstand.

Maybe she should answer, or at least look who was calling. Maybe it was important… Who was she kidding? She was just curious.

She walked the few steps separating her from the nightstand and picked up the phone. It was still vibrating, and the screen was lit up with a picture of two girls standing in front of a brick wall, wine glasses in hand. The one on the left was Raja, she was wearing a flowy dress and those big earrings Adore loved so much, the other, she’d never seen before. She had sleek blonde hair, wore a lot of makeup and a black top that definitely looked expensive. She was beautiful.

Adore glanced at the name, hoping maybe she would already have heard of her from Raja. Raven. The name wasn’t familiar at all. Why wasn’t it? Raja told her about her friends, so why not her? If she was calling they had to be somewhat close, so who the fuck was she? Why were they standing so close on this picture?

The phone stopped ringing and the picture disappeared. Adore pulled herself out of her thoughts and put the phone down. She put on her leggings and got out of the house, slamming the front door behind her harder than necessary.

 

* * *

 

 

When she drove back home, her hungover sister on the backseat, she managed to forget about the phone call, too busy worrying about her sister throwing up in her car. Her parents still weren’t home and the shower was still running upstairs. She offered to make something to eat to her sister but she preferred running to the toilets.

Adore shrugged and went upstairs to wait for Raja to get out of the shower. She sat on her bed, but quickly realized she didn’t have much to do, and fidgeting with the corner of her bedsheets while she waited was not a very appealing activity. She got up and went downstairs again. She made coffee and went to the front yard, sitting on a plastic chair with her cup and a cigarette.

She could have gone back to her room, but she felt good here. The sun was shining bright on her skin and she could smell the summer heat. She looked around at the street she knew by heart, at all the little windows on the houses facing her, at the small holes in the road, the familiar grass under her feet. And for the first time ever, she felt closure.

She always wanted to go, but for the first time she wanted to go and never come back. She was ready to leave.

She heard steps in the stairs and turned around to see Raja walking down the stairs by the door she had left open. She came to her, her designer bag on her shoulder, and only stopped when her legs touched hers. She reached to take her cigarette from her hand, brushing her fingers against hers in the process. Adore didn’t say anything, watching her take a long drag out of her cigarette and blow the smoke in her direction.

_“When are you leaving?”_

Raja smiled sadly.

_“Tomorrow in the morning.”_

Adore nodded and looked down. Tears were threatening to flow, and she hated herself for being this sensitive. She lived for two years without Raja, what made her think she couldn’t do it again?

_“I’m sorry…”_

Adore shrugged, making her best effort not to cry. She didn’t want Raja to see her like that.

_“Don’t be sorry. You’re going home.”_

Raja shrugged, and it looked like she was about to cry too.

_“Except it’s not home.”_

_“Where is home then?”_

_“I don’t know… I hoped coming back in town it would be here, but it’s not.”_

Adore’s heart crushed in her chest. Of course, it wasn’t home. Of course, Raja felt just as bad as her in this suffocating little town. Of course, their little hook up session wouldn’t change that.

_“I have to go now.”_

Adore appreciated that Raja didn’t try to make any excuses to go, she wasn’t saying her mom needed her, or that she needed to pack her bags, she just said she was going. Adore nodded, not sure what else she could do.

Raja took her hand in hers.

_“Goodbye.”_

She squeezed her fingers and let go and Adore was sure this time it was the final goodbye.

Raja started walking down the little alley. Suddenly, Adore got up, she had to ask something, now.

_“Raja, wait!”_

She turned around, halfway to the road.

_“Raven… Is she your girlfriend?”_

Raja smiled and shook her head.

_“No.”_

And then she started walking away, and disappeared behind the trees.

 

* * *

 

 

Adore spent the entire day on her plastic chair, smoking two entire packs of cigarettes and burning her hand three times. She vaguely waved at her parents when they got back home and declined their invitation to come eat dinner inside.

She only went back inside to grab a hoodie when the sun came down and the air became cold around her. She barely noticed when the lights inside the house turned off.

She considered more than once throughout the day smoking weed, because she knew it would make everything better. But she wasn’t sure if she wanted things to be better.

She didn’t know what she wanted. She wasn’t tired, she wasn’t hungry. She just knew she had trouble breathing, and that she wanted Raja back.

Eventually, she went back to her room, tired of guys catcalling her from their car when they passed in front of the house. When she saw the perfectly clean bedroom, she had the sudden urge to break something, throw everything off the shelves, get her mess back, because she felt like the old Adore was coming back too.

She collapsed on her bed in her clothes and closed her eyes, curling up into a little ball of sadness.

She wasn’t sure she wanted the old Adore back, but at the same time, it was reassuring to slip back into sadness, it felt warm and safe in a fucked-up way.

She had no idea how much time she spent laying there, eyes closed, all lights on. But she knew she didn’t wanted to move.

She thought about going back to work the next day, thought about going back to what was her life before Raja came, and she started sobbing. She cried until she couldn’t anymore.

Everybody says that you feel better once you cried, but Adore discovered it was total bullshit. She had cried all of her makeup off, and she didn’t feel better at all. She felt pathetic, and exhausted, and that was it.

She wanted to try and sleep, but she couldn’t remember how you’re supposed to do it. Her heart was going too fast, her thoughts were too dark and her limbs refused to move in a comfortable position.

She heard her phone ring on her nightstand but ignored it. She waited a full minute before finding enough motivation to look at the text, even though she had no intention to respond.

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Raja’s name on her screen.

**_Raja, 02:23_ **

**I’m outside.**

Adore walked to her window like a zombie and opened it, heart racing in her chest. She leaned a bit outside to see Raja, leaned against the hood of her car, smoking a cigarette. Her leg was bouncing up and down like it did when she was nervous, and she needed a moment before noticing Adore.

At first, she thought maybe none of this was real, maybe she had fallen asleep after all, and her sad mind decided to play her a little more. Then she felt the soft wind on her dry and itchy cheeks, and Raja looked up to her.

They looked at each other in silence for a moment. Adore spoke first, trying her best to cover the fact that her voice was shaking again.

_“I thought you were going.”_

Raja smiled the same sad smile she had earlier.

_“I thought I was going too.”_

Adore shook her head, realizing slowly what she was doing: she was keeping Raja chained up to this place. She didn’t know how or why, but she knew it was her fault, and she didn’t want anyone to be stuck here because of her. She wipped away the tears that had started running down her face again with the back of her hand.

_“You have to go… You have to go after your future… You have to find your home…”_

_“But what if you’re my home?”_

Raja uncrossed her arms and walked toward Adore’s window.

_“I just spent the two worst years of my life, they could have been the best, but you were not there. I missed my stoner. I missed my best friend. I missed the girl I love…”_

Raja took another step toward the house.

_“I’m not going anywhere without you anymore.”_

Adore was fully crying now, not even bothering trying to hide the tear crashing on the rim of the window.

_“Leave with me Adore.”_

Adore’s hands were shaking where they were resting on the edge of the window; her vision was all blurry.

She couldn’t go. She had no money, no talent, no qualification for any job, nothing.

But at the same time, nothing was left for her here.

She took a deep breath.

She was leaving.

She shook the tears away and closed the window. She grabbed a bag from under her dresser, and shoved inside all the clothes she could take, her computer, the Fleetwood Mac CD, a picture of her and her family, and an old pair of black Converse. She threw her toothbrush, wallet, weed and cigarettes in a backpack, added her notebook. She put her guitar in her case, threw it on her shoulder and closed the door to her room behind her.

She walked down the stairs as slowly and silently her beating heart allowed her to. She left a note on the kitchen table, saying she was going with Raja, that she would come back for her things, that she was safe and loved everyone, but it was time for her to go.

She knew that was not how you do those type of things, but she couldn’t think of better in the present situation, couldn’t think at all. She put on her Dr Martens left at the bottom of the stairs and closed the front door softly, not to wake up everyone.

Once she turned away and saw her friend standing next to her car, she had no doubt anymore. She ran through the front yard and threw her bags in the backseat of the convertible before jumping into Raja’s arms.

Her lips on hers and her hands on her back made her feel dizzy. Her heart was racing and her head was turning.

They pulled apart, but Adore kept her hands locked being her neck.

_“Where are we going?”_

_“Los Angeles, we’re taking my shit, then I don’t know. We’ll decide later.”_

Adore nodded and smiled. She kissed Raja again, and they got in the car.

They drove off into the night, and Adore’s heart skipped a beat when they passed the sign welcoming them to the city.

Adore noticed the “good days sketchbooks” on the dashboard. She grabbed it and opened it out of curiosity. She flipped through the first pages slowly. All of them were covered in drawings of her. Almost one by week. At first, very accurate, full of details, then vaguer, like Raja was forgetting her features slowly. And the last one. The one she did in the tunnel. Adore laughed.

Adore extended her arms, closing her eyes and enjoying the fresh night air in her hair and on her face. When she reopened them, she turned to Raja, observing her honey colored skin in the dark, the wind blowing in her long hair, and the smile on her lips. She rested a hand on her leg, claiming her as her own.

They talked about going to San Francisco or New York, find an apartment, creating Raja’s collection, finding a way for Adore to pursue her career in music, they talked about dreams, about things that might happen, and things that were already happening.

Nothing was going to be easy. Adore’s grandparents were probably going to freak out, Raja’s roommate, Raven, would maybe hate her for leaving the apartment so quickly. Maybe they wouldn’t have money, or celebrity, but they were together. They were going to explore, live, be young, and they were going to see the summer sun rise every morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the end !   
> It feels weird, but I'm also happy I did it!   
> I know things went pretty quickly in this, but I wanted to keep it a short work!   
> Anyway thank you for all your comments and support!  
> And thank you for having followed this little adventure with me! 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope to see you for the next one !


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